Hello Readers,
My name is not in fact Annie, but this will help me tell my story. My raw, everyday story. For those of you reading this for the first time, I'm doing this as therapy. I am hoping this calms my nerves, who am I kidding? I am having anxiety even writing this. What a vague word, "anxiety". It seems like EVERYONE & their DOG has anxiety. The thing about anxiety is, there are so many forms of it.
My anxiety has gradually gotten worse of the years, and I have not been able to pin point it.
First off, I have severe social anxiety. If you ask anyone in high school, they would tell you that there is no possible way that I would have social anxiety. Hell, if you asked my parents they would say.. her? No way possible, she's a social butterfly. Over the years, it has gotten worse. It may have started when I was little, and I was always the "back-up" friend. You know, the friend that is ALWAYS there for you, at your disposal? The one who gets picked last, out of pity? That was me. I remember distinctly in middle school, when Sailor Moon was all the rage. All I wanted to be was Sailor Jupitor, she had long brown hair, her favourite colour was green. But, I ended up getting put as being Sailor Mars, - the one no one wanted. I always just went along with it, you know why start a fight over it?
Gradually as I got older, I just knew that I was that one person that was disposable, replaceable. Now, growing older I thought I would've made my friends for life. You know in the movies, when they finish high school, they last through college years.. yeah.. I cant really say that I've been the best at keeping in contact. I was living with two of my best friends, and I wasn't really ready to grow up. I had Hannah Montana posters, watched Camp Rock, but I was mature. I just enjoyed the little things in life. They both talked about me, terribly. How "immature" I was, how could my boyfriend be with me, what could he possibly see in me? Coming from my two best friends, it hurt.. more than it should. I've carried that with me, ever since. It has drastically affected my relationship, I've never felt good enough to be with him.. Let's call him Bartholomew. I've lost quite a few friends, not putting them first in my life. But you know what? It doesn't bother me, I know my worth and I know that if I was honestly put first in their life, we wouldn't be at the point of not speaking. I'm used to friends stating that I've never put them first, when I know that I was their "secondary" plan. With all that piling up on my shoulders, I've alienated myself from growing to other friendships. What value could I offer them? If I didn't love myself, how could they love me to? I also have a fear of making a plan, and being stood up. You see that person waiting around for someone to arrive, you see them hastily leave because you can tell they've been stood up. That replays in my mind, over and over again. It's easier to cancel plans, and not risk it. You can call me foolish, if you need to. But I know the very feelings I get. I almost immediately say no to anyone asking if they want to hang out with me. Or I say yes, and find an excuse to not hang out with them. It's made me a terrible friend...
